I had a weird experience the other day. I found myself doubting whether I could really be a Guru. This was almost a constant doubt when first I was initiated as Shakti Durga in 2006 (except when I was actually being one in the temple, where it was obviously ok). But events since then have suggested that this really is my way of serving, and I have grown used to it now. I no longer shake my head and feel all the doubts like before. I have gotten over the fear that I will let some body down. I just do my best, from my heart, and hopefully it helps someone.
Anyway, in the couple of days prior to the Unity Group retreat in Port Macquarie I found myself feeling inadequate, lacking the resources, skills and stamina to continue to lead, and feeling that it might just be better for everyone if I simply retired, and gave up the big visions of Shanti Mission. Give up the huge job of continually refining the things we are discovering, and co-constructing what is needed to put into the world an elegant system of personal development, spiritual awakening and realization.
I felt dejected, and really there was no story. Nothing had gone wrong, no one had disappointed me, I hadn’t just mucked something up. It was just that our Unity group retreat was about to start, and with my senior disciples, I was about to grow.
The thing is, giving up felt so good. Comfortable, like a big cosy arm chair that you can curl up in with soft padding, enveloping and reassuring. Just stay here, don’t do anything and the world will go away.
Luckily the observer part of me kicked in and questioned the whole idea. What do you mean give up? How is that going to be the answer. Just get out of that big soft dangerous chair right now!
Having been in this kind of situation many times, I am familiar with the means that the Tester uses to undermine me. The tester is Lucifer, a seductive enchanter who uses one grain of truth from your life, and a lot of fear based distortion to lure us off our path of realizing Unity. This is testing. This is life. This is going to happen. And it is slightly different for everyone; the test will be precisely contoured to your exact shape and will fit you like a glove – or like the best comfortable cozy ‘just sink into it and give up’ armchair ever made.
Favourite ploys of the Tester are to divide and conquer. Undermine your confidence in your teacher. Find some point where we don’t agree and blow it up out of all proportion till you cannot think of anything except that. Play the ‘You really don’t belong” card: there are thousands of permutations of that one. I will never be able to do this. No one cares about me. I am inadequate.
Garbage! Reality becomes twisted. A grain of truth and a heap of fear based distortions are whispered to you by the tester in your own mental voice. You think you are thinking it yourself. No. You are being fed distortion. Only the spiritually strong can survive this and forge ahead. That is the test.
If you ignore it or better still, wipe it out with Electric violet light, eventually the tester gives up on that one, and tests you in other ways. Eventually you start to recognize: Ah, this is a test! I am not going to sit in that big soft comfortable armchair called giving up. I will use my mind to affirm something that is wholesome: I am loved! I am innately good enough, I am valued, I approve of me, I belong everywhere, as I am Divine.
Take note next time fears and doubts set to incapacitate you. It might not be you. It might be the tester. Erase the thoughts, and plant ones you want to believe in. Call on your guru to help you through; that works for me, and it will work for you too.